Been procrastinating again
Too busy off in my own little dream world
Decorating the walls of a farm house i dont own yet

Been turned down on loan attempt number one. Dont know how i feel about it. Gonna keep trying of course. Been working on getting the house ready to sell. Doesn't seem to look like the brother in law will be able to buy the place, so we'll have to sell it off on our own to some strangers. makes it so much more complicated....

Have a craft show in Pittsburgh on the 12th. about 4 hours or so away...
Trying to make myself be ready for that.  Dont have much to sell. maybe i should go downstairs and sit at the table and work now instead of whining to you all? guess so. Ill try to peel myself away from doing nothing.

So i had a question posed to me this morning on an earlier post: Whats happening with the 22 acre farm?

well, here was my response :

Well, Right now this is where I stand with that (aside from in a deep puddle of stress- just being honest)... We just couldn't come up with the $16,000 down payment for an outright loan. So instead of renting our current home to my brother in law (which was the plan) we are trying to sell it to them. We have multiple things to fix up here before that can happen... So that is number one on the list. We hav eput in a loan application to be pre approved once we get the money from this house (it wont be the total sum because we have a lean from the past owner to pay off :( which sucks) so we're fixing up, waiting on the loan pre approval, then comes the inspection., and the brother in laws loan application... then, FINALLY, we will be able to make an offer. Phew! Its a lot. But im remaining hopeful that we will be spending this Christmas in our new (old) 1880's 22 acre farmhouse!

n

Life is so overwhelming to me lately. The walls seem to be closing in from all angles. First on the list is my inability to sleep. and when i finally do its only after dawn scares me back off to bed. Not that my eyes aren't burning read fro lack of sleep all night... its just i can never seem to slow down my thoughts.... and adding so many stresses to the kettle only ever makes it worse. I'm, as usual, ill prepared for my up coming show in dc (crafty bastards) and have suddenly faced the reality of needing to lay down huge sums of money all at once (i realized i have only 10 days left) for multiple shows table fees... i just don't have $1000 dollars to throw around all of time. We live on so little, and really i have no problem with that, I'm just not such a good planner, and somehow this slipped my mind this time. Ive also got to calculate weather driving all the way to Chicago will drain away any profit Id make at the Christmas show anyway.... I really just want to skip it this year and try to find something closer. We'll see what happens i guess. I always feel that I'm letting someone down in most of my decisions. Sometimes its hard to convince myself to just do whats best for me. whatever that is. I guess Ive got a lot of nights of budgeting ahead of me right soon. And I'm not looking froward to it one bit. I just hate money... and i dot even want more of it. Then i would just be in the same spot with even bigger bills, that's how it works. I want to live a life that revolves less around the need for money and more around life itself. That way i can finally work on bettering myself and the lives of those around me. Lately i really just wish i could crawl in a hole and hide.

I was feeling lost and stuck and blocked, and it had become a constant frustration for me. Things were supposed to open up for me, or so i thought. But instead I was dragging myself down. So I was very motivated by this man this morning.... Telling "me" that every first or second or even third attempt does not have to turn out as id planned... I guess thats all ive been needing. Why are the answers to my biggest problems always so simple?

Im just so tired. I swear its like ive got mono. ANyhow. Im supposed to be down stairs making 156 mushrooms to fill some etsy orders, a wholesale order, and just some to send to a new friend who was expecting them months ago... because i am an admitted procrastinator and if you wanna be my friend you just gotta deal with it. SOrry. I appreciate everyone and all that they do for me, but i am slllow. I mean really slow. I get everything done in my head but rarely in real life... its sad. but oh well. I guess ill get back to work now.

Im keeping a detailed list of what i do during the day and the time i take doing it. perhaps it will help me to change, or perhaps it will just point out my faults a little more clearly. we'll see.



ps. KATE, part of that apology is directed at you. I got your package and adore the chemistry glasses! Ive got them all lined up on the window in my studio! And the tote (which im assuming you made) and earrings were such a welcome surprise! Really brightened my day!

When we were kids we constantly employed our imaginations.... Well... I feel nowadays that if i don't have some spare time to devote solely to that purpose, that i will lose my mind. Just outright lose it. It seems that kids now are more and more reluctant to spend any time in their heads. Just an observation.

Ive been watching Phillip(4)and Chelsea (1) for the past few days. Its tuckered me out completely. i spent so much time on the floor. they never cease to move. Until Chelsea falls asleep sprawled out across my lap... which is such a nice feeling. Not wanting to disturb whats precious... I used to feel that when willow was still alive. It was such a rarity for that cat to ever venture into our laps in the first place, that when he fell asleep there neither me or Stephen dared move.

8 hours with a 2 and a 4 year old.... I haven't gone down a slide that many times in quite a while... aaaaaand my butt barely fit :(

The day has passed too quickly. Granted i slept in till 11... Ive been weaving branches collected yesterday into circles... Wishing I had sinu to weave them into dream catchers... I tried weaving grasses into rope sitting on the brick wall in the back yard. It just turned out to be far too thick for my purposes... SO i quit that idea for now and moved onto pulling teeth. Ive had a scull for a while with four teeth lodged in the jawbone... I liberated the four to find them hollow and broken and again unusable for my purposes... So im feeling a bit defeated.

Today, i also resolved to eat nothing but fruits and vegetables... strawberries and an orange for breakfast (along with a good helping of whining), an apple for a snack, and the best so far green beans and roasted carrots for lunch. What could be better than a roasted carrot, I ask you? Nothing. just nothing. But the bucket of potatoes has been sitting on the counter and eyeing me ALL DAY!

Now I need to rake up the dead cut and dry grass from our freshly mowed lawn... clean the kitchen... bathe... and get ready to go look at a 20 acre property for sale just a 1/2 hour from here. Not exactly what we're looking for, but worth checking out all the same.

I have always liked to wear Stephens shoes when he isnt here. My favorites are his rain boots... Which ive been wearing all morning.

Going camping tonight... Ill be heading out by myself and Stephen will join me after dark. We've never been to these woods before. Its 500 privately owned acres of woodlands which we somehow managed permission to tramp through... 

ITS GOING TO BE AN ADVENTURE!

Making bacon and eggs.....