Been procrastinating again
Too busy off in my own little dream world
Decorating the walls of a farm house i dont own yet

Been turned down on loan attempt number one. Dont know how i feel about it. Gonna keep trying of course. Been working on getting the house ready to sell. Doesn't seem to look like the brother in law will be able to buy the place, so we'll have to sell it off on our own to some strangers. makes it so much more complicated....

Have a craft show in Pittsburgh on the 12th. about 4 hours or so away...
Trying to make myself be ready for that.  Dont have much to sell. maybe i should go downstairs and sit at the table and work now instead of whining to you all? guess so. Ill try to peel myself away from doing nothing.

So i had a question posed to me this morning on an earlier post: Whats happening with the 22 acre farm?

well, here was my response :

Well, Right now this is where I stand with that (aside from in a deep puddle of stress- just being honest)... We just couldn't come up with the $16,000 down payment for an outright loan. So instead of renting our current home to my brother in law (which was the plan) we are trying to sell it to them. We have multiple things to fix up here before that can happen... So that is number one on the list. We hav eput in a loan application to be pre approved once we get the money from this house (it wont be the total sum because we have a lean from the past owner to pay off :( which sucks) so we're fixing up, waiting on the loan pre approval, then comes the inspection., and the brother in laws loan application... then, FINALLY, we will be able to make an offer. Phew! Its a lot. But im remaining hopeful that we will be spending this Christmas in our new (old) 1880's 22 acre farmhouse!

n

Life is so overwhelming to me lately. The walls seem to be closing in from all angles. First on the list is my inability to sleep. and when i finally do its only after dawn scares me back off to bed. Not that my eyes aren't burning read fro lack of sleep all night... its just i can never seem to slow down my thoughts.... and adding so many stresses to the kettle only ever makes it worse. I'm, as usual, ill prepared for my up coming show in dc (crafty bastards) and have suddenly faced the reality of needing to lay down huge sums of money all at once (i realized i have only 10 days left) for multiple shows table fees... i just don't have $1000 dollars to throw around all of time. We live on so little, and really i have no problem with that, I'm just not such a good planner, and somehow this slipped my mind this time. Ive also got to calculate weather driving all the way to Chicago will drain away any profit Id make at the Christmas show anyway.... I really just want to skip it this year and try to find something closer. We'll see what happens i guess. I always feel that I'm letting someone down in most of my decisions. Sometimes its hard to convince myself to just do whats best for me. whatever that is. I guess Ive got a lot of nights of budgeting ahead of me right soon. And I'm not looking froward to it one bit. I just hate money... and i dot even want more of it. Then i would just be in the same spot with even bigger bills, that's how it works. I want to live a life that revolves less around the need for money and more around life itself. That way i can finally work on bettering myself and the lives of those around me. Lately i really just wish i could crawl in a hole and hide.

I was feeling lost and stuck and blocked, and it had become a constant frustration for me. Things were supposed to open up for me, or so i thought. But instead I was dragging myself down. So I was very motivated by this man this morning.... Telling "me" that every first or second or even third attempt does not have to turn out as id planned... I guess thats all ive been needing. Why are the answers to my biggest problems always so simple?

Im just so tired. I swear its like ive got mono. ANyhow. Im supposed to be down stairs making 156 mushrooms to fill some etsy orders, a wholesale order, and just some to send to a new friend who was expecting them months ago... because i am an admitted procrastinator and if you wanna be my friend you just gotta deal with it. SOrry. I appreciate everyone and all that they do for me, but i am slllow. I mean really slow. I get everything done in my head but rarely in real life... its sad. but oh well. I guess ill get back to work now.

Im keeping a detailed list of what i do during the day and the time i take doing it. perhaps it will help me to change, or perhaps it will just point out my faults a little more clearly. we'll see.



ps. KATE, part of that apology is directed at you. I got your package and adore the chemistry glasses! Ive got them all lined up on the window in my studio! And the tote (which im assuming you made) and earrings were such a welcome surprise! Really brightened my day!

When we were kids we constantly employed our imaginations.... Well... I feel nowadays that if i don't have some spare time to devote solely to that purpose, that i will lose my mind. Just outright lose it. It seems that kids now are more and more reluctant to spend any time in their heads. Just an observation.

Ive been watching Phillip(4)and Chelsea (1) for the past few days. Its tuckered me out completely. i spent so much time on the floor. they never cease to move. Until Chelsea falls asleep sprawled out across my lap... which is such a nice feeling. Not wanting to disturb whats precious... I used to feel that when willow was still alive. It was such a rarity for that cat to ever venture into our laps in the first place, that when he fell asleep there neither me or Stephen dared move.

8 hours with a 2 and a 4 year old.... I haven't gone down a slide that many times in quite a while... aaaaaand my butt barely fit :(

The day has passed too quickly. Granted i slept in till 11... Ive been weaving branches collected yesterday into circles... Wishing I had sinu to weave them into dream catchers... I tried weaving grasses into rope sitting on the brick wall in the back yard. It just turned out to be far too thick for my purposes... SO i quit that idea for now and moved onto pulling teeth. Ive had a scull for a while with four teeth lodged in the jawbone... I liberated the four to find them hollow and broken and again unusable for my purposes... So im feeling a bit defeated.

Today, i also resolved to eat nothing but fruits and vegetables... strawberries and an orange for breakfast (along with a good helping of whining), an apple for a snack, and the best so far green beans and roasted carrots for lunch. What could be better than a roasted carrot, I ask you? Nothing. just nothing. But the bucket of potatoes has been sitting on the counter and eyeing me ALL DAY!

Now I need to rake up the dead cut and dry grass from our freshly mowed lawn... clean the kitchen... bathe... and get ready to go look at a 20 acre property for sale just a 1/2 hour from here. Not exactly what we're looking for, but worth checking out all the same.

I have always liked to wear Stephens shoes when he isnt here. My favorites are his rain boots... Which ive been wearing all morning.

Going camping tonight... Ill be heading out by myself and Stephen will join me after dark. We've never been to these woods before. Its 500 privately owned acres of woodlands which we somehow managed permission to tramp through... 

ITS GOING TO BE AN ADVENTURE!

Making bacon and eggs.....

It appears that I have bathed in dirt and have tracked mud through the newly cleaned kitchen... Oh well...

I tore out all of the corn, cucumbers, zucchini, pumpkins, and potatoes... I don't think it was quite time for the potatoes yet... but I had allowed the plants to wither in the heat and I didn't want the spuds to rot in the ground... I only got about 13 pounds of mixed sizes and colors.... Ill do better next year (as i always seem to convince myself)...

I've got tons of Christmas speckled beans on the vines and noticed several yellow brittle wax beans (i think?) on its vines this morning... Still just the one scarlet runner bean which i cant recall if i mentioned yesterday....

Now i just want to close my eyes...

I have to go to a dinner with two young ladies and an equally aged fellow (equal to me that is) this evening... These things frighten me to pieces. Social anxiety rears its ugly head often in my life... Its my main struggle. Prevents me from living fully most times... A debilitater of near epic proportion. I am a confident person. At least as far as who I am is concerned... But my social abilities are quite another sad sad story. debilitating, what a rough word. But my anxieties are nothing less.... paralyzing.

I get sick of it. But drudge on. what else can I do?

ITS RAINING! well, not any more... but I sat out on the front porch and enjoyed knowing the plants were soaking it up! Our 2 year old neighbor was out running around in it, in just a diaper and matted down curly hair... it was delightful!

We've canceled corn chowder for tonight to have dinner with my parents instead.... but my stove is almost overflowing with a huge pile of corn :)

My hair is soaked with sweat, but i harvested all of the corn from the garden... along with the days ramekin full of raspberries and a handful of volunteer cherry tomatoes.... for lunch I made the best frittata with potatoes, kale, onions and scarlet runner beans (ive gotten only one pod so far- (frowning)... only the onion wasn't from the garden.... i don't know if its the heat in combination with no water or if its just time, but the potato plants seem to be dying back pretty heavily.... i think tonight or tomorrow ill fork up whats there....

Days like this make me not really care that i dont have any friends....

I need a bath...

And my feet are asleep... ha

Even though I felt as though i could fall asleep all day yesterday, when it came time to lay my head down... it still took a couple hours and I woke up several times throughout the night. Im still tired today. Its like i have mono or something... Anyhow, i got up at a reasonable time again today, so hopefully ill do better tonight.

Im planning out a recipe to make corn chowder out of the 10-15 ears of corn we have left on the plants out back. I cant wait to eat it. And i should have enough to freeze some for winter. Not much, but some... Then if i can battle the heat later in the week i plan to rip out many of the older plants and send them to the compost bin... If i can get on the ball and set up the lights in the house i can get fall crops started indoors to plant out in august. Who knows though, with me.... well i can almost say it wont happen.

ohk, my feet are asleep. So thats it for now.

I dragged myself out of bed at 9:30. I realize its not early... but since ive always had such a hard time falling asleep, anytime feels early to me. I keep meaning to work on some new ideas in clay, but i just want to crawl back into bed and shut my eyes... I keep thinking that if I just get up at a regular time each day, maybe Ill start to fall asleep earlier as well... So here's hoping. 

All of the windows are a blur of condensation. It rained only slightly this morning... Which did nothing but add to the humidity and heat. At least Its cloudy so ive been able to open the curtains up here. I hate sitting in the dark every time I come upstairs in the summer...

I just stretched out on the cold wooden floor so me feet would wake back up. I really need to put the desks back together so I can get this computer off the floor... I do use it a lot less now though. Which is certainly a good thing...

I seem to be having less and less energy each day. I wonder why that is. Maybe Ill try only eating vegetables today and see if that helps...

Also, Unbeknownst to her, I was encouraged by Margaux to start work on my longest running idea to make series of  tree identification books and a woodland plant identification book. It would be only of the species living in "my" woods. Its something Ive always wanted to do... I want to take nice photographs of each trees leaves and nuts/seeds/bark during each season of the year and compile them into a book. The photos would be set up sort of botanical illustration style. With a backdrop of blue gray linen. I would hand stitch the names on little cotton tags to pin underneath each variety... I really should get started. I imagine it would take at least a year if not two... 

My favorite trees by the way are river birch, sycamore, willows, and many varieties of oak...

I'm sitting cross legged in front of the computer. Its still sitting on the floor. I took apart the desks for the renegade show back in june and have yet to replace them.... so my feet and legs fall asleep every 5 minutes or so and i move around until i feel something in them again... We leave the curtains up here closed all day in the summer to keep out the heat. So its pretty dark. i just opened one a bit and can see that nice golden color of the late afternoon hitting the ugly cedar out back.

I just got off the phone with my dad. I had been sitting here scribbling budgets and fretting as usual. we don't make much money. but we make enough for me to be happy (except on budgeting days)...anyhow, id gotten myself off task. i was just supposed to budget until the next paycheck but somehow ended up trying to figure what my income has been so far this year as a newly self employed artist.... I need to make $6000 a year to equal what i was getting at the nursery....

so my dad called and i ran my mouth a million miles a minute and he managed to make me feel better. He's good at that.... Stephen should be counting out a cashier cause its the end of the day for him at the nursery... it'll take him a half hour to get home from Stafford to Fredericksburg... I love him. Ill be happy to see him. We were going to have yard sale tomorrow morning but this heat wave is so ridiculous ive canceled it for the 3rd or 4Th week in a row... but that's some stress off my back. I promised my dad id spend an hour tomorrow making things. I need to keep my promises. but im a mess. that's one thing i know for sure...

I suppose if i want people to read this that i should punctuate and divide huge blocks of text into paragraphs. Unfortunately i don't talk in full sentences or paragraphs... this is how it comes out... with ellipses where i take breaths....

that's all for tonight.

So, once again ive left something unfinished. This blog was supposed to hold me accountable. But it, or I, failed. Not that failure is always bad. But since this space didnt work out for its original purpose.... im going to start over here. Here ill be true. Here ill try not to hold back. My other blog is just pretty. This should be real. With nothing held back....

I've been working on this with a mechanical pencil...

While im at work.

So, I started in on a zinnia.

Then quickly gave up when I couldn't locate a pencil sharpener...

Luckily its from a photo, so I can pick up on it later.

I know I used to lean heavily towards the B's,

But I was trying out some H's.

Not my favorite...

I definitely should have waited for sharp pencils 

before working on those tinier bits...

Oh well.

Im not all that proud of this one...

But I am determined to post everything that I draw.

The head is horrid.

Maybe I should just stick to flowers?